I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
