Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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