woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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