I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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