Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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