I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Boobs speak an international language.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
