you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
