i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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