I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
