So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
