May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
