Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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