I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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