I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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