im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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