The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm passing your future prison.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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