i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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