the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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