Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
