I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
