My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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