I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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