Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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