It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
