do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
