all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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