Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Randomize
