My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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