I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Are my feet made of real feet?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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