my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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