I accidentally burped into my bong.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
