I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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