That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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