Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
