My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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