As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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