Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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