I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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