i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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