I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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