That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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