Non-Jews are for practice
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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