Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
