yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
