why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dicks are not precious.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
