i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
