Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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