I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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