R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
