i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
