Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
