I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
