just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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