Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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