the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
time to smoke my breakfast
cat food counts as protein by the way
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
