currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
